You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
