literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
