my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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