just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
