Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
