I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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