Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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