I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This baby is an asshole
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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