hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
