mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize