Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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