It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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