ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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