nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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