who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
