remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
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Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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