Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
