woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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