we made out on top of his cat.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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