somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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