I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
