i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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