NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
