Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
