Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Less talking, more tequila
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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