I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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