Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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