I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize