Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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