What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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