Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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