i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
