I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
