It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
