I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
