I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
