whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
