I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
