i need an iv and a liver transplant
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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