Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
