I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
