tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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