I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
