Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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