oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He did a backflip because drugs
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