All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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