and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
