I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My ass is underappreciated
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
