like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
