It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
