I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
