i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
