i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
