Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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